she

you see my scars and they scare you
i see your wall and i cry

love me like i need to be loved

love me like you want to be loved

no conditions

no restrictions

no cold, mindless, slaps in my face -

for just being me

because

scars, wounds and all -

it's all me

i will never be her

i have jagged edges

dirty hands

and a big mouth

i break the branches to clear the trail

she pushes them aside gently

and saves their sweet fragrance for later

i watch the sunset and want to know why it's orange

where is the purple from?

she just basks in the beauty

i run

stumble and fall and get back up just to trip again

she cautiously marks out her journey

i like the dirt on my face

i like the bruises

they remind me that i have lived

and i have lived well

and i will show my scars

i will not hide -

from you

again

it's a lonely road you travel
giving love and taking it away
afraid to get close

afraid they won't like what they see
guarded
restricted
conditional

it's a cold love you give
protecting yourself -

from me.

Turpentine

i watch you grow away from me in photographs
and memories like spies
and salt betrays my eyes again
i started losing sleep and gaining weight
and wishing I was was ten again
so I could be your friend again

these days we go to waste like wine
that's turned to turpentine
it's six a.m. and I'm all messed up
i didn't mean to waste your time
so I'll fall back in line
but I'm warning you; we're growing up

i heard you found some pretty words to say
you found your little game to play
and there's no freaks allowed
then just when we believe we could be great
reality, it permeates
and conquers from within again

these days we go to waste like wine
that's turned to turpentine
it's six a.m. and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
so I'll fall back in line

but I'm warning you; we're growing up

we're ok I know we're ok
these days we go to waste like wine
that's turned to turpentine
it's six a.m. and I'm all messed up
i didn't mean to waste your time
so I'll fall back in line

but I'm warning you... we're growing up.....

~Brandi Carlile~

fake

your lies can't hurt me anymore.
i don't believe them this time.
your face - though marked with wounds -
is weak.
your failure is not how you've failed.
it's that you show me the falacy to believe.

you lie.
i cry.
she laughs.
i scream.
who wins?

it's a broken record,
a sad tune.
i've come to realize you won't change.
we won't change.
she's cold and in your face,
you're weak and sickened.
we all fall.
we all fail.
and yet, we all blame.

the mirror won't cut your face,
you do that all on your own.
the mirror won't damage our soul,
she does that with her pointing finger.
but still the mirror is the one feared.
and the blood shed is the blood blamed.

she blames you, you blame her, we all curse, we are all cursed.......

but no one heals.

silent all these years

what's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

boy you best pray that I bleed real soon.

how's that thought for you?

my scream got lost in a paper cup.

you think there's a heaven -

where some screams have gone?

I got 25 bucks and a cracker -

do you think it's enough?

to get us there

cause what if I'm a mermaid

in these jeans of his

with her name still on it?

hey but I don't care.

cause sometimes,

I said sometimes,

I hear my voice -

and it's been here.

Silent All These Years...

years go by

will I still be waiting?

for somebody else to understand.

years go by

if I'm stripped of my beauty

and the orange clouds

raining in head.

years go by

will I choke on my tears

till finally there is nothing left?

one more casualty

you know we're too easy, easy, easy...

well I love the way we communicate

your eyes focus on my funny lip shape.

let's hear what you think of me now -

but baby don't look up

the sky is falling.

~tori amos

perfect girl

paperdolls
we all
go
down
like dominoes

when i become

just
like
them

empty
perfect shape
touch
my
hair
my
lips
my
manicured
hands

i am perfect

because
i
can be

until you see me

standing
by
myself

i am taken by the wind
taken down

i am perfect

i look perfect

but i am nothing

inside
me

a paperdoll

wasteland

words never said.
haunting echoes.
past wasted.
move beyond.
move away.
never good,
as it was.
never again.
move away.

protect me.
help me.

don't hurt me.

move away.

words unsaid.

remember

remember this moment.
right here, right now.
my caress on your face,
my kiss on your brow.
remember the lullabyes,
and the soft angel wings,
the cradle of my arms,
where i hold you to sing.


remember the times,
you brought a sparkle to my eye,
remember that sparkle,
remember that sigh.
hold tight to the sounds,
the laughter of your acts,
when the sands of time fall,
it all goes too fast.

settle

settle this,
inspite of you.
wake,
to the light.
look around,

preoccupied.

can't ignore,

to find.

lower expectations.

lessen your fall.

settle this.

inspite it all.

you.

need it.

you're beautiful...

and needed.

want it.

settle this.

settle you.

gullible

i wanted warmth
you gave me ice.
i want to believe you
still tried.
you showed me
what you wanted me to see.
i still saw
what i want you to be.
game to play.
dice to roll.
shake it off,
erase your soul.
shallow,
empty shell.
watch me drown.
looking for deep.
in your cold hell.
who am i?
to tell you.
who am i?
to believe in you.
who am i?
no.
who are you?

play with fire

the beauty of the glowing ashes,
the dancing music in the flames.
and we forget the ease of danger,
ignore the odds of feeling pain.

blind

blind to your manipulation,
stupid to your games.
my life was the fiddle....
and you played.

fool me once - shame on me.
fool me again - i should have known.

bottle

i come in last,
i always have.
the bottle wins everytime.
and i feel last.
i feel empty.
i feel alone.
broken shards make me bleed.
my dreams gurgle down the drain.
watching you slipping into numb, unconcious darkness.
i dream to be big, to be happy.
be far away from it all.
forget it, forgive it.....
but no,
i still hate it.

it's cold again.
i'm alone again.
like a little girl again.
i shiver.
i thought i let it go.
i thought the scars had healed.
i thought i could live my life - forget the pain.
but it was here all along.

inside the bottle.

i hate.
i spew.
i cry.
i shake.
the wounds hurt so much - i'm just numb to the pain.

and when i feel it, i shove it deep....
inside the bottle.
and i'm numb again.


It's not the drink that harms the child - it's the effects of the addiction. My Dad never physically hurts us - ever. But the instability, fear and uncertainty that surrounded our family has left scars. I often think I've let it go - moved on. I have my own family - we live 6 hours away and I don't have to live that life anymore. My husband and I have both been hurt by alcoholism and seldom have a drink. We've created a secure home here and my Dad's disease doesn't have to hurt me anymore...

But it does. It still hurts. It still has that control over me.

I couldn't sit here and list off all of the pain, and the ways that growing up the daughter of an alcoholic has affected me. It's like it just hits me every once in a while. And I look in the mirror and go "yeah, this is another thing."

It's hindered my ability to love, my ability to reason, my ability to trust. I grew up thinking that if we pretended it wasn't happening - everything would be ok. Like the elephant in the living room...we were just supposed to pretend that we were happy. I resent my Dad for making us live like that, I resent my mom for allowing us to stay, I resent God for not taking it all away....and I resent the pain inside me that is not allowing me to love the way I should love.

I feel that we mocked the nature of a family by pretending to be happy. We went to church and laughed, we had friends over and played, we even told people about our Dad -- but it was always concluded with 'but it's ok.'

In the end, the child of an alcoholic learns that you can't trust. People will love you -- but they will always hurt you. You must accept inappropriate behaviour and expect lies from people who claim to love you. You might as well pretend to be happy, because you never really will be. Just when you think you've found solid ground - be careful - it will all be ripped out from under you. And lastly, that a bottle, a career, another person, something else will always come before you.....you are second best.

Breaking these beliefs is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

grudge

i've pulled back,
let go,
forgive to forget?
like a rubberband,
it shot back
and hit me again.

while i
break and crumble,
stumble and bleed.
trip over my bitterness -
fall to my knees.

you smile.

while i
swim in remorse,
drown in hate.
swear i'll never
be there again.

you laugh.

like an over-used movie,
it plays in my mind.
i've seen it,
i've heard it
millions of times.

the eery scratches of yesterday,
echo and shout.
happiness clouds while
hope chokes in doubt.

you live.

today,
i will watch the sunrise, embrace the laughter of the colours.
i will watch the smiles, listen to the whispers.
i will make life of the clouds, as they sweep the sky.
i will close my eyes while the breeze kisses my face,
i will hold every moment in my arms....

today,
i will listen to every word, wipe every tear.
i will look in your eyes while you talk to me, hold your hand while we laugh.
i will sit with you just to feel your warmth.
i will be thankful for the silence we can share.
i will love you more and open my heart....

today,
i will sit on the floor with you.
i will put away my world to play in yours.
i will laugh with you like there is no pain, no worries, no one else in the world.
i will caress your face, feel your soft skin.
i will listen to your stories, hold them in my arms, while i hold you....

today,
i will count the stars, let their diamonds light my dark.
i will make love on the warm beach, and run in the sand.
i will travel the earth, and learn to love new people.
i will live every dream, follow every fantasy.

today,
i will live.
and tomorrow....
i may not.

~jess
Jan 2006

confessions

i have brown eyes,
i love junk food.
i love to smile,
but sometimes i can't always find a reason to.
my ass is too big,
and so are my ears.
i like being short,
until i have to reach the top shelf.
i pretend to be strong,
i'll sting you with sarcasm,
maybe that's because i can't always show
when i'm crumbling inside.

i've lied and cheated,
broken hearts and had mine broken too.
i have a gap in my teeth,
and funny thumbs.
i don't always feel beautiful,
especially when i'm around beautiful people.
i cry easily,
i laugh just as easy.
i'm passionate about love,
and just as passionate about hate.
i think too much,
and analyze everything.

i think i'm normal.
my eyes will always be brown,
and i'll always try to smile.
but maybe my ass wouldn't be so big,
if i didn't love junk food.

thought for today

As you go through your day today, be mindful of those little things about you that draw people to you.
The bottom line is that we are all imperfect beings. It’s that endless, emotional search for the perfect body and perfect life that fans the flames of disappointment and leaves many frustrated and unhappy.
~ from an article about 'self' by Dr. John H. Sklare

happy?

why do people look to other people to provide their happiness. how can an empty shell give nothing -- and expect to be fulfilled in return?

full

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded unanimously again; yes, indeed it was.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor; " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things in your life: family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a coffee with a friend."

remember me

sometimes a touch,
a smell,
a breeze,
brings back sweeter times.

sometimes a name,
a sound,
a song,
brings back the bitterness.

it's all i can do
but to spit it out...

and reach for the sweetness again.

coldplay - fix you

when you try your best, but you don't succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

when high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you
tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace

tears stream down your face
and i...

tears stream down your face
i promise you
i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down your face
and i...

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

a place for my thoughts