bottle
i come in last,
i always have.
the bottle wins everytime.
and i feel last.
i feel empty.
i feel alone.
broken shards make me bleed.
my dreams gurgle down the drain.
watching you slipping into numb, unconcious darkness.
i dream to be big, to be happy.
be far away from it all.
forget it, forgive it.....
but no,
i still hate it.
it's cold again.
i'm alone again.
like a little girl again.
i shiver.
i thought i let it go.
i thought the scars had healed.
i thought i could live my life - forget the pain.
but it was here all along.
inside the bottle.
i hate.
i spew.
i cry.
i shake.
the wounds hurt so much - i'm just numb to the pain.
and when i feel it, i shove it deep....
inside the bottle.
and i'm numb again.
It's not the drink that harms the child - it's the effects of the addiction. My Dad never physically hurts us - ever. But the instability, fear and uncertainty that surrounded our family has left scars. I often think I've let it go - moved on. I have my own family - we live 6 hours away and I don't have to live that life anymore. My husband and I have both been hurt by alcoholism and seldom have a drink. We've created a secure home here and my Dad's disease doesn't have to hurt me anymore...
But it does. It still hurts. It still has that control over me.
I couldn't sit here and list off all of the pain, and the ways that growing up the daughter of an alcoholic has affected me. It's like it just hits me every once in a while. And I look in the mirror and go "yeah, this is another thing."
It's hindered my ability to love, my ability to reason, my ability to trust. I grew up thinking that if we pretended it wasn't happening - everything would be ok. Like the elephant in the living room...we were just supposed to pretend that we were happy. I resent my Dad for making us live like that, I resent my mom for allowing us to stay, I resent God for not taking it all away....and I resent the pain inside me that is not allowing me to love the way I should love.
I feel that we mocked the nature of a family by pretending to be happy. We went to church and laughed, we had friends over and played, we even told people about our Dad -- but it was always concluded with 'but it's ok.'
In the end, the child of an alcoholic learns that you can't trust. People will love you -- but they will always hurt you. You must accept inappropriate behaviour and expect lies from people who claim to love you. You might as well pretend to be happy, because you never really will be. Just when you think you've found solid ground - be careful - it will all be ripped out from under you. And lastly, that a bottle, a career, another person, something else will always come before you.....you are second best.
Breaking these beliefs is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.
posted by Jessi | 3:32 PM
6 Comments:
"to fully heal you must let it all go and forgive, otherwise you will not truly love or be loved".
jessi,
didn't know you were such a beautiful writer. keep it up. stumbled across you're site tonight by way of a very long story that involves me being stuck in my room 'cause my allergies are bad and half of the house has been painted today so I can't breathe anywhere else. can't believe tim is already in grade 1...has it been that long??!!
hope all is well.
love ya,
tracy
(ya know, from North Bay...but now in London...graduated but with no job yet...and no boyfriend/husband...BUT my little brother Jon has been married for 2 years now!!! Crazy!! I feel old!)
jess, i feel this poem relates to me as it relates to you.. you dealt with alcohol abuse, i had different circumstances.. physical and emotional abuse.
my family is still trying to pretend to be happy.. like it never happened. but it did. and i really wish that just once, someone would say it out loud.. "i was wrong".
so many times, i feel like i've moved past it. i've got my whole new life now, but really, i know deep inside, it's still there. the mistrust, the anger. i don't think i'll *ever* be 'over it'.
my biggest goal is to never let this happen to my kids. i think i hold my mother just as responsible as my father... because she just stood by and let it all happen. she could have stopped it. and i think that is as close to unforgivable as i can imagine. what kind of mother allows her child to be hurt?
wow....I should check the comments on here more often! Hi Tracy -- thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoy my writing. Give yourself and that stud brother of yours a big hug hello from me!
And thank you for sharing, michelle. There is so much pain in life, it's hard to ever get over things.
that is our biggest goal as well - to not let our child be hurt the same way we were....all we can hope for is that he is secure in our love. always.
The Poem that I wrote before this "grudge" is all about what happens when we hold onto this pain. It hurts us - but the person that hurt us usually goes on and can act as if nothing ever happened. Like they never hurt us in the first place. In the end the grudge hurts us just as much as the initial wound.
As for the Anonymous comments. I find it cowardly to write something like that anonymously on such an open and vulnerable poem. It makes me wonder the type of person that could tell me to "let it all go" after being so open about my past while they continue to hide......
At the risk of sounding facetious... my grandfather was an alcoholic and although I never had to deal with him directly that much, this helps me understand far better my father who did.
it's easy for someone to say "let it all go" when they haven't walked in your shoes, but remember they've walked in their own... they've learned from their own experiences and would only want to help. sometimes anothers thoughts are not easily accepted. please forgive the anonymous friend that "hides"... they would only want to help, but knows that they can't ever understand your true pain.
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